As You Were Not
by Hieiko
Summary: The end of As You Were, rewritten. This time Spike has some realizations.


Author: Hieiko  
  
Author's Notes: I just thought of this out of the blue. Don't really know where the angst came from.  
  
Disclaimers: BtVS Episode "As You Were" was written by Douglas Petrie. BtVS characters owned by Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. They're not mine, and I don't get any profit from this.  
  
Distribution: If you want this, go ahead. Just email me and tell me where it's at. Thanks.  
  
Rating: PG-13. Nothing you won't see on the show.  
  
Feedback: Would love that, pet.  
  
Summary: The end of As You Were, rewritten. This time Spike has some realizations.

* * *

**As You Were Not**

****  
  
It had been his home. It hadn't been much, granted, but still... home. Never mind the coffins that served as furniture; there were the little things. And of course there were the big things, like his bed. (The sheets had been white, maybe he should have used black sheets? They were all black now anyway, at least the bits and pieces that were left.) The rugs, too... well, none of those survived intact. Not that anything did. Even the ladder looked like it belonged to the ruins of some ancient temple. On the other side of the room were the splattered remains of the demon eggs (and babies, too, because some of them had hatched). But he didn't want to look at them.  
  
Spike didn't want to acknowledge what he felt when he did. Not feeling guilty at all. Soulless demon, yeah?  
  
Besides, they destroyed half of his crypt. The half which he had fixed, and arranged, and hoped would make Buffy comfortable enough to stay with him at least a little bit longer. He should be angry. Scratch that. He should be furious.  
  
Spike was prepared to lay all the blame on Riley Finn. But he wasn't stupid. He was well aware that Finn would have listened to Buffy if she had tried to stop him. The soldier boy may look at the world in black and white, but he would do anything Buffy wanted. And no, Spike refused to acknowledge the little voice that told him he couldn't really begrudge the soldier for that. Perhaps he could just begrudge him for stupidity. That could work.  
  
But he hadn't the energy. And there was the Slayer to consider. Destruction of property was more of something she'd resort to than commando-boy would. It was at her hand that his crypt had been destroyed. His brain knew it, even if his heart had raged and denied it all. But now he was tired, and there was nothing left.  
  
Except the guilt.  
  
Then he caught her scent. He sighed.  
  
He waited until her footsteps had stopped before speaking, without turning around. "So, she's back. Thought you'd be off snogging with soldier-boy."  
  
"He's gone," Buffy said.  
  
This time he did look at her. "So, you come for a bit of cold comfort?"  
  
Buffy opened her mouth to say something but froze at his next words.  
  
"I can't give you that anymore, pet."  
  
"What?" She was slack-jawed, like she couldn't believe he'd just said that. "I'm not here to-"  
  
Spike nodded. "That's good, then. Maybe you shouldn't come back here for a while."  
  
"Are you...is this you, telling me..." She couldn't get her words straight.  
  
"It's over, Buffy." He said it so softly.  
  
Buffy suddenly straightened and stared right back at him. "Wait a minute, you can't just... when did this become **your** decision?"  
  
"You're using me. Even though you know I love you. This, between us, it's not what I really wanted. I'm just... being weak, and selfish..." Spike paused.  
  
Buffy muttered, "You weren't complaining before..."  
  
"...and it's killing me."  
  
Buffy frowned.  
  
"I have to be strong about this," he said quietly.  
  
She just stared at him.  
  
"I'm sorry, Buffy." He turned away from her.  
  
She glared at his back. Then she turned and ran out of the crypt into the sunlight. She never noticed the brightness.  
  
Inside the crypt, Spike looked at what was left of the demon eggs. He finally admitted to himself that he felt guilty. He had done it for money, true. And he would never get the money now. But he didn't care about it anymore.  
  
The demon younglings were feisty, but harmless. Now they were dead. He had said he would protect them. He had promised.  
  
How could he tell their mother and father that all their children were dead?  
  
They were dead. Not at his hand, no. But he should have stayed. He shouldn't have let his feelings take over.  
  
But he had. And now all he had left was guilt.

* * *

**the end**


End file.
